Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
