Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
