i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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