Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize