my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
