i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
