dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I need water and some morals
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He shit in the fireplace
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
