Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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