I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Sext me about skeletons
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
