Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
