He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
