she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
