i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
