i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
