My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
