Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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