Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
