Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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