Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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