Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
