awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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