When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
