Don't make out with my wife yet
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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