I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize