So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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