I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
