I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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