My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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