My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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