Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just cut my nipple shaving
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
