I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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