Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
