we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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