How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't want my vagina anymore.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize