Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
