I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize