you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
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