Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
