I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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