No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
whose parrot is this?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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