Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
