My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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