No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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