I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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