I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
