Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
