his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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