I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
