You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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