So drunk, too bad you don't want this
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize