Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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