I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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