It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
