My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
