Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
